Anxiety, Panic, and a Beautiful Aftermath

If you were to ask me to describe myself in ten words or less a few years ago, the word “anxious” would not have even crossed my mind.  Energetic?  Yes.  Passionate?  Definitely. But anxious?  Never.  At least not back then,… Back before a year and a half ago.  But that all changed when a turn of events caused everything to collide into a world I never knew existed.  Anxiety became commonplace.  It was all around me; no matter which way I turned, it was there to greet me.  In the morning when I woke up, in the afternoon when I came home from work, and of course, when I attempted to head to bed.  Anxiety was present, but I had no clue what its name was.  Instead, I chalked it up to, “I can’t sleep, I can’t hold anything down, and I can’t focus on things like I used to.”  It soon evolved into panic which then morphed into panic attacks.  The frantic calls and excessive stuttering that began soon after alerted my family that I needed more than maybe a listening ear.  My parents came to be with me for a week or so, and I buckled down and got myself back on my feet.  Of course being the perfectionist fearful of not being perfect, I claimed this was something I could handle on my own.  Although they mentioned that I should maybe see a counselor, I quickly declined that notion.  Help is for people that really needed it, and I was certainly one that didn’t qualify.  Or so I thought.  That didn’t last for very long,… I soon relapsed into more fear and panic and with that, the attacks became increasingly more frequent and debilitating.  In the morning when I woke up, in the car driving on my way to get something to eat, even eating lunch with my best friend while vacationing in Seattle, it didn’t matter what I was doing, this anxious state could not escape me.  And I had nothing to do but live through it.

But let me stop because the story doesn’t end there.  Like anything else, the motto that some close friends kept repeating rang true, “This too shall pass.”  I never could tell when that actually happened, but after what seemed like eternity, it did.  Slowly but surely, life became normal again.  And slowly but surely, Leah became herself again.  And not just the old Leah, but a better one.  One that learned how to deal w/the past, the present, and the future with better graces.  One that realized that there is not just a black and white way of thinking but where life happens, it’s shades of gray.  One that realized humanity is more broken than you think.  It’s good to be broken every now and again.  Because in the brokenness, is where love is found.

It was there lying on the floor with nothing left to give that I felt God love me more than I ever have before.  It was walking around my block over and over that He took me by the hand and showed me He was with me.  Through the good.  Through the bad.  Time and time again, He was never leaving.  And in response, I began to love God more than I ever thought I could.  With an inch of hope left, the Scriptures I had been reading since I was a little girl became life for me.

God doesn’t expect anything more than the weak to come to Him.  And don’t worry, I found out it’s okay to be weak.

That’s when you learn the most.

Although this album was made this year, it definitely defines my journey from then till now.

Listen.
Trust me, it’s good.
aftermath/ hillsong united

Author: madisunanne

I write about simple living in order to help women dealing with the craziness of life find hope, even if it’s just an inch at a time. I believe we all need a reminder to stop, breathe, and enjoy the present for what it is, a gift to be enjoyed.

9 thoughts on “Anxiety, Panic, and a Beautiful Aftermath”

  1. I love the rawness of this post. Thanks for sharing such a personal example from your life. I sometimes refer to those moments in my life as my ‘Refiner’s Fire’ moments–those periods of my life where He is refining me, making me better than I thought possible, showing me His purposes for my life. Like you, I’ve discovered that often, it is during those times that I feel God’s love most, and where I witness my love for Him most. I have to admit that it’s hard when you find yourself in those weak, sometimes unstable times in life, even difficult to understand what is happening to you. He’s chipping off a corner here, smoothing a rough edge there, molding a new piece, removing and adding so much to ME that I don’t know what’s up/down. And after that period has passed and perspective settles in, I stand back and look at the new me and His purposes become clear. If I allow Him, he is gradually sculpting me into one of His greatest masterpieces.

    1. i couldn’t have said it better…
      i share it b/c i know people can identify with it.
      and so often, we only share the ups.
      yes, we learn through them,
      but when we are being refined, He shows us that much more.

      madisunanne.
      <3

  2. I can so relate to this post. After my sister died last month I became a very stressed and angry person. I even stopped going to church. I’m getting better at the angry-side of me but I do still feel very stressed with loads of mental anxiety. This has encouraged me to find God once again. And perhaps even find my sister through him… Thank you (‘:

  3. This came by much prayer from many peoples.

    To God be the glory great things he has done.
    Thanks for sharing your heart.
    God is able and thank God “it is passing!”

  4. I totally relate to this post. People that don’t get these panic attacks or anxiety attack don’t understand. I had a bad time with it about 6 years ago and it finally went away on its own, but about 2 weeks ago it all came back out of nowhere. Now I am relearning how to deal with them. My husband has been a big help with helping me to find ways to calm myself down which has been a blessing. I hope that I am back to normal again soon. Until then I will keep doing my best to relax and not let it get me!

    1. I completely get it, Crystal!
      And it’s true,… if you haven’t dealt with anxiety & panic, it’s difficult to understand.
      The mind is a battlefield, and there are times where unfortunately it takes over!
      Praying that your recent anxiety bout calms down.
      Take some long walks and learn to breathe deeply…

      “This too shall pass…”
      <3

  5. This is the first time I’m reading through your blog, but that’s because God knew now is when I needed to read it. This particular post was my favorite because I can relate. There were certain sentences that sound like I could have written them myself they were so spot on with where I’m at currently. Especially when you mentioned, “He took me by the hand and showed me He was with me. Through the good. Through the bad. Time and time again, He was never leaving. And in response, I began to love God more than I ever thought I could.” This reminds me of Isaiah 41:13. Thank you for being so open, honest, and real.

    1. You are s.o. welcome, Ashley!
      And I’m so glad that you found the time to read just what you needed to hear.
      For anyone that says life is a walk in the park,…
      Well, we all know that’s a lie!
      Open, honest, & real is what I’ve become in an effort to share what I’ve learned.
      I hope my other posts as well as future ones will resonate with you too.

      Praying for you…
      <3

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