If you were to ask me to describe myself in ten words or less a few years ago, the word “anxious” would not have even crossed my mind. Energetic? Yes. Passionate? Definitely. But anxious? Never. At least not back then,… Back before a year and a half ago. But that all changed when a turn of events caused everything to collide into a world I never knew existed. Anxiety became commonplace. It was all around me; no matter which way I turned, it was there to greet me. In the morning when I woke up, in the afternoon when I came home from work, and of course, when I attempted to head to bed. Anxiety was present, but I had no clue what its name was. Instead, I chalked it up to, “I can’t sleep, I can’t hold anything down, and I can’t focus on things like I used to.” It soon evolved into panic which then morphed into panic attacks. The frantic calls and excessive stuttering that began soon after alerted my family that I needed more than maybe a listening ear. My parents came to be with me for a week or so, and I buckled down and got myself back on my feet. Of course being the perfectionist fearful of not being perfect, I claimed this was something I could handle on my own. Although they mentioned that I should maybe see a counselor, I quickly declined that notion. Help is for people that really needed it, and I was certainly one that didn’t qualify. Or so I thought. That didn’t last for very long,… I soon relapsed into more fear and panic and with that, the attacks became increasingly more frequent and debilitating. In the morning when I woke up, in the car driving on my way to get something to eat, even eating lunch with my best friend while vacationing in Seattle, it didn’t matter what I was doing, this anxious state could not escape me. And I had nothing to do but live through it.
But let me stop because the story doesn’t end there. Like anything else, the motto that some close friends kept repeating rang true, “This too shall pass.” I never could tell when that actually happened, but after what seemed like eternity, it did. Slowly but surely, life became normal again. And slowly but surely, Leah became herself again. And not just the old Leah, but a better one. One that learned how to deal w/the past, the present, and the future with better graces. One that realized that there is not just a black and white way of thinking but where life happens, it’s shades of gray. One that realized humanity is more broken than you think. It’s good to be broken every now and again. Because in the brokenness, is where love is found.
It was there lying on the floor with nothing left to give that I felt God love me more than I ever have before. It was walking around my block over and over that He took me by the hand and showed me He was with me. Through the good. Through the bad. Time and time again, He was never leaving. And in response, I began to love God more than I ever thought I could. With an inch of hope left, the Scriptures I had been reading since I was a little girl became life for me.
God doesn’t expect anything more than the weak to come to Him. And don’t worry, I found out it’s okay to be weak.
That’s when you learn the most.
Although this album was made this year, it definitely defines my journey from then till now.
Trust me, it’s good.
aftermath/ hillsong united